In Soviet Union, All Humans Destroy You!
by PureFuronGodliness
Summary: Short story. Crypto has a bad day in a way only he can. But he's not planning to suffer alone.
1. Pox - Y U No Fix Saucer?

**Author's Note: Just a short thing I had on my mind for a while and finally jotted down. I'd had too much coffee while I wrote this so I hope it's still readable. Basically try to imagine this taking place a while after DAH!2's ending. Hope you enjoy…!  
**

* * *

A Friday, summer, 1969.

In the Mothership's hangar, Crypto-138 lazily hung over the backrest of the chair he sat on, munching on a fluffernutter as he watched his Commander, Orthopox-14, rummaging around a Scout Ship a few yards away.  
It stood with its jointed legs bent, lowering it closer to the floor for maintenance. A hatch offering access to the interior of the hull was currently open, and after Pox had finally found the torchlight he was after, he headed over to the hatch and proceeded to try and climb in.

He took several attempts to hoist himself in, and Crypto watched him hop up and down like a juvenile goat, trying to pull himself up and repeatedly failing.  
Pox let out an exasperated sigh. His stick-thin arms just weren't used to lifting anything heavier than a test tube.  
He then turned his gaze and saw Crypto looking at him with an amused grin.

"Well, don't just sit there…!" Pox barked at him. "Get off your lazy cloned keester and help!"

"Yes, sir, Lieutenant Limp…" Crypto replied, swooping his leg around his chair as he got up.

After moseying over to the ship, he shoved Pox aside and limberly climbed in.  
Pox glared into the dark hull after him until a phylangeopod suddenly popped out, offering him a lift.

The meek Furon Commander grudgefully accepted the extended hand and was abruptly dragged in.  
The two Furons were then on hands and knees inside the dark, cramped space of the saucer's hull, and Pox got out his flashlight and used it to peer around the sea of tubes, wires, powercells and other technical crap.

"So what're we lookin' for?" Crypto asked.

"I'm not sure." Pox replied. "I kept getting the same vague error report during my routine maintenance check, so we'll have to pinpoint the problem manually."

"Do you at least know _what kind_ of error it was…?"

"Well, eh, sort of. The problem should either originate from the engine cores, the weapon bay, the shield system **or** the autopilot."

"In other words, _**the entire freakin' ship…!"**_

"Don't yell at me like it's _my_ fault!" Pox objected. "These Scout Ships are very delicate equipment and things like this just happen from time to time!"

"Yeah, but naturally it just **had** to happen **today**! Of all the freakin' days of all the freakin' years we've been on this freakin' planet, _**today**_, just when there's this huge festival with thousands of half-naked hippie chicks goin' on in the state of New York, the ship needs to have some freakin' glitch which we'll never find! I don't understand why you just don't let me go to Earth! You know how bad I wanna go there! We can fix it later!"

"You're not going anywhere, Crypto!" Pox replied. "I don't know what the problem is. It could be a breach in the hull somewhere. One pinprick of a hole is all it takes for the ship to hideously implode in the vacuum of space. I'm not going to risk that for some hippie orgie you want to attend."

"It's not just any hippie orgie…" Crypto sighed. "Folks are gonna be talkin' about it for decades, and I'm missin' it!"

"Please, Crypto. There'll be more." Pox told him. "But as a consolation, I have a new weapon you can try on the humans as soon as I've fixed the ship."

"A new weapon don't get me laid. But okay."

"Now move over. I want to check the bow."

Both Furons then wriggled around as Pox squeezed past Crypto and crawled across the hull, over to the front of the ship. Crypto followed closely behind, but bumped his head against Pox's butt as the Furon Commander suddenly stopped.

"Watch it, you dolt." Pox barked at him.

"Geez, sorry."

Crypto then shuffled around and went to sit next to Pox to see what he was looking at.  
Pox was currently inspecting some spooky looking tubes and pipes with his flashlight and hummed in thought.

"I think I hear a pressure leak…" he mumbled.

"Nah, that was me. What's that?" Crypto asked, pointing at a thick transparent tube glowing and throbbing a bright green. "Is that supposed to do that?"

"Don't touch it…!" Pox warned him, grabbing his hand. "That's the ammo transport for the Quantum Deconstructor. One touch will have your phylangeopod fall clean off."

"Oh."

The ship then suddenly shifted, shaking around as it stretched its legs again to the normal landing position. However, it did so very unsmoothly and sent its two Furon occupants tumbling over, Pox ending up lying across Crypto's chest whilst still having a hold of his hand.  
A bit dazed, Pox opened his eyes only to stare right into Crypto's face, which had a randy grin sprawled across it.

"Why Poxy, I didn't know you cared…"

"Shut up, you idiot!" Pox spat as he quickly got up and turned around with pink on his cheeks. "The problem's now obviously in the autopilot. I'll need to check the onboard computer."

* * *

So after the two Furons had crawled back out the saucer's hull, Pox disappeared into the cockpit where he stayed for hours, checking the autopilot system and going through all the circuitry. Crypto hung around the Mothership, bored out of his skull and wishing he was down on Earth in the US.

Finally, eventually, Pox reappeared from out the ship just as Crypto entered the hangar to go bug his mentor.

"Good evening, doctor Pox." Crypto greeted as he approached Pox, whose eyes looked sore from all the squinting he'd been doing. "Hey, got any idea were my spirits are? I can't find 'em anywhere."

"Oh, I threw them out." Pox casually said while rubbing an eye. "They were in my way. I needed a place to store an experimental cranial fluid recepticle and your liquor cabinet was perfect. All those drinks are good for is rotting your brains out anyway."

"What?!" Crypto bellowed. "That had better be a freakin' joke, Pox!"

"I'm afraid not. The high alcohol percentage did provide a nice surge of power when I burned it all in the Recyclotron."

"Do you _**know**_ how many liquor stores I broke into to get that collection?!" Crypto asked in disbelief. "You know how much it meant to me, dammit!"

"Sorry." Pox shrugged. "You'll just have to start over."

"Like you did with your package when the Mothership got blown to quarks?" Crypto said with a glare.

"Shut up."

Crypto growled and gave his mentor another irked scowl before finally asking,

"So d'ya fix the Scout Ship yet?"

"No, not yet, but I've finally managed to pinpoint the problem." Pox replied. "It's now only a matter of replacing a resistor, but I don't have a compatible one handy right now, and ordering one from the Homeworld will take several days."

"Figures." Crypto groaned.

"However, I've had a similar problem before, with my FuroTech Brain Juicer, and after doing a little research I found out that a single type of resistor manufactured in Russia is actually also compatible with most Furon technology with only a few minor adjustments. If we can procure one, it will probably last long enough to fix the autopilot problem until the resistors from the Homeworld arrive."

"So what do we do?"

"I want you to go down to Russia." Pox told him. "There is only one device that I know is guaranteed to include the resistor I need. It's a primitive type of computer terminal, found only in the possession of the KGB. Whilst you retrieve one, you might as well grab some Soviet brains too while you're at it."

"Wait, wait…" Crypto let out. "You said I couldn't take the ship to Earth."

"Not while I didn't know what was wrong with the saucer. Now I do. And it should be safe as long as you keep the autopilot deactivated." Pox explained.

"Then I'm going to that freakin' festival after all…! I can get that stupid resistor after it's over…!"

"I don't think so, Crypto." Pox told him sternly. "If I let you go to that hippie travesty, you'll be drunk, hungover and useless for days! It's business before pleasure."

"No, it's not." Crypto growled. "I know what this is. Ever since the last time you got recloned you've been doin' crap like this out of spite because you don't have a package and I do! You're just an envious little shrimp!"

"I beg your pardon?!" Pox barked back threateningly.

But he quieted down in uncertainty as Crypto marched over to him with an angry glare.

"What are you doing?" Pox then asked while slowly backing up. "I warn you, Crypto, stay back!"

But Crypto ignored his words and grabbed one of Pox's wrists.

"Ya know what?" he growled. "You're comin' with me! So you can see what it's like down there! Walk a mile in _my_ mylar boots! Also, I'm gonna take all the vodka I can get so you're gonna help me carry stuff!"

Crypto then proceeded to haul Pox back over to the Scout Ship.

"Are you insane?!" Pox let out. "_Let me go!_ I'm not going down to that filthy planet!"

It was pretty clear Crypto was serious so the Furon Commander put all his might into resisting him, trying to pull himself free.  
But Crypto reacted by turning around and simply picking him up, tossing him over his shoulder.

"Why you impudent imbecile!" Pox exclaimed furiously. "Put me down this instant! _**That's an order!"**_

But despite how much Pox pointlessly flailed his limbs in protest, Crypto crankily marched over to the Scout Ship and entered it.


	2. I'm In Ur Base, Droppin' Mah Bomb

Moments later, with Pox all the while screaming for Crypto to turn the ship around immediately or face his psychokinetic wrath, the Scout Ship was hurtling through Earth's atmosphere, on its way to Soviet Russia.  
Crypto stoically navigated it over to a base he had once visited before, and landed the saucer at a safe spot nearby.  
He then turned around on the pilot's seat to face Pox, whom was sitting behind him looking nervous and having just run out of threats to cast at the warrior clone.

"Here's the plan." Crypto began. "We go into the base and look for this computer thingie. Once we have it, we toss it into the saucer and look for the base's mess hall. Once there we take all the vodka and brains. Then we go to the nearest town and get all the vodka and brains _there_. _**Then**_ we fly over to the hippie festival in the US and indulge ourselves in chicks and booze and stuff. All _without complainin'._ Capiche…?"

"I'm not setting one foot outside this ship." Pox told him stubbornly.

"Oh, yes you are. I'll rip it off your leg if I have to. Now come on, you wimp. You're not scared of a couple o' monkeys, are you?"

"Of course not…!" Pox objected. "It's just-… They're probably riddled with diseases and parasites and I won't have any near me!"

But Crypto was already getting up and grabbed Pox by an arm again, dragging him out the saucer.  
Anything Pox did in protest and resistance hardly fazed the warrior clone and there was little left for the unhappy Furon Commander to do about the situation as he was lowered onto Soviet soil by the Abducto Beam.

It was already getting a little dark out, and a mere twenty yards or so away, Pox was startled to already see humans walking about.

"Awright." Crypto spoke. "Like I said, you oughtta get a taste of what I do every day. So _**you **_extract the brains while _**I**_ blow stuff up."

"I wanna go home." Pox squeaked, his face turned white like a sky in December, the tall humans nearby already scaring him.

"Too late, Poxy." Crypto told him as he shoved him forward. "Now let's get that residual or whatever so we can go to that festival. I'll keep the monkeys off your back."

Crypto then urged Pox on into the base, readying his gun to fend off the humans.  
It didn't take long for several Soviet agents to spot them, and as soon as they approached, Pox sought refuge behind Crypto as the warrior clone disintegrated them.

"Where d'ya think they keep those computers you mentioned?" Crypto asked as soon as the coast was clear for a moment.

"Brains, I-…!" Pox began, nervously glancing around for any more human threats. "This base should have a science lab which should at least hold one! But you'll manage that on your own, I'll just go back to the Scout Ship…!"

"Nah-ah. We're in this together now, Poxy. Come on."

Crypto then marched further into the base and Pox nervously stuck close to him.  
Eventually, they reached a bleak building marked 'Наука' that looked promising and headed inside.  
Panic immediately ensued amongst the scientists inside, and Pox froze in terror as they all ran past him, out of the building.

"What're you doin'?!" Crypto let out as he turned around to face his mentor. "Snatch their brains, man!"

"Can't." Pox squeaked. "Too scared."

"Yeez, Pox! Who ever heard of a Furon bein' scared of humans?! What are you, an agoraphobe?"

"Those are the MIR computers we're after." Pox then said, nodding towards some devices standing in the room. "Grab one so we can get out of here."

"Fine."

Crypto then padded over to the computers and attempted to pick one up.

"Yeez, these things weigh a freakin' ton." he complained, and subsequently smashed it on the floor.

Its outer casing came apart, allowing the warrior clone to yank out a few bits of circuitry.

"That will do. Now, let's-…"

But Pox fell silent as he turned towards the exit and was faced by a row of KGB agents that had gathered behind him.

"You are in my base!" one of them yelled. "You are killing my d00dz! Be attacking, comrades!"

Fire was then opened and chaos engulfed the small lab, with bullets flying, computers and lab equipment psychokinetically hurtling about, smashing humans square in the face and impaling others to walls and the ceiling.  
Through the madness, Pox had managed to reach Crypto at the far end of the lab, whom kept on firing his Disintegrator Ray and was running low on ammo.

"This is just like that G5 Building mission on Perfect Dark!" Crypto panted. "They just keep on comin'!"

"What?!" Pox let out in confusion.

Crypto frantically fumbled with his gun, trying to switch to a different weapon after running out of Disintegrator slugs. In his hurry, a primed Ion Detonator then suddenly fell to the floor in front of the two Furons' feet.

Both looked at it in confusion, and then at eachother.

10, 9, 8… It threateningly blinked.

"Oops." Crypto stated.

7, 6…

"_**You moron!"**_ Pox bellowed. "We're cornered! _**We're screwed!"**_

5, 4…

"Well, it happens, Poxerific. At least we'll go out with a bang!"

3…

"_**But-…"**_

2…

"See ya in the clonin' tubes, Poxy!"

1…

"I loathe you."

_**-SPLODE-  
**_

* * *

**END**

**I guess you can imagine what happens next. Bits of building, human and Furon flyin' everywhere. I hope you enjoyed readin' this little doodad. Please take a brief moment and leave a review! That would be groovy. And an extra cookie for you if you spot the 'Birthday Massacre' song quote.**


End file.
